Recently I had a conversation with someone I care about. He is youger than me but I've known him pretty much his entire life. He is 24-years-old now, and he is kicking ass by the conventional standards. He has already passed his 4 exams to become a CFA and is working for a firm that has sent him to three continents. He lives in a small city and isn't pressed financially. Recently, he came to visit me in New York, a place he spent his early childhood but has no recollection due to moving out at a young age. As I showed him around the city, he, like many people who come to Manhattan for the first time (or first remembered time) his eyes were to the sky in awe at all the big buildings and lights. We spoke briefly about living in New York, and I explained to him how my favorite thing is nobody pays any attention to you when you walk around on the street, you are around a lot of people but you are alone. Most people are indifferent or despise this notion, but that is why I love the city I live in. He, however, nodded his head in agreement and said that he thought it would be really cool to live in a city like that. I told him how proud I was at how great he was doing and he just kind of shook his head back and forth as if he was holding something back before saying something along the lines that he wants more.
For as long as I've known him, he's always been modest. I didn't expect him to say, "Yea, I'm fucking awesome" but I was kind of surprised that he wasn't happy. I then told him that there was nothing wrong with not being content. He went on to talk about eldery people he knows that were shot at by the Nazi's when they were 6-years-old, had siblings killed because soldiers used them as target practice when they were on their way to get bread, being forced into the mountains of Eastern Europe having to live off the land when they were teenagers, getting into bad marriages and having to grind their way out etc etc. At the end he's like, "So my situation isn't really like theirs but I look at them and they have these cool stories, but I don't. But when I tell them this they just tell me that they wouldn't wish what happened to them on anyone, so I guess I should just be happy with what I got."
I looked him dead in the eye and I said, ":Bullshit!"
It doesn't matter that other people have it worse, it doesn't matter that so many people think you're kicking ass and by all normal conventional standards you're doing awesome, the only thing that matters is what you feel inside and what you see when you look in the mirror. Yes, maybe someone who was shot at by Nazis at the age of 6 has trouble empathesizing with you but that doesn't mean that you lose your right to bitch. You always have a right to bitch. I talked about my story about how I had to be unemployed for a year and half before finding a job that paid the bills. My only goal was I wanted to stay in New York and be at a job that requires me to look at a computer all day and have minimal contact with people. At the time, everyone told me my goal sucked and it needed to be more specific. Despite that, I got what I wanted. He looked at me and said, "See that's a cool story, I don't have that, I don't even have a goal like you did,"
I responded, "Then make your goal to find out what your goal is. And when you're the one living it, the story never sounds that cool" I then talked about how he had to move from Europe to America and switch schools 7 times before the age of 12. I switched schools for the first time at age 14. He nodded and said, "yea, but I never saw that as being that cool, but I guess that's your point, it never seems cool when it's you."
I tried a diferent strategy with him in utilizing Socrates with regard to this. I told him that he knows he doesn't want to be where he is now. Maybe he should try moving to Chicago, Miami, New York or a big city given that when I told him about the anononymity of walking by yourself in New York that it was something he craved since his small city everyone looks at him like he's crazy if he goes for a walk. Sometimes when finding what you want to do, you have to first look at what you don't want. I then commented on his statement about "At 24, I achieved a goal I worked really hard for when I got my CFA so now I got my goal...now what." I responded, "That CFA is your ticket to anywhere you want to go. It's not the ends, it is now a means, you are now more employable, more marketable, so you can go somewhere else and it may get you a foot in the door and since you've been moving around your whole life, you're used to starting over in a new city. He was quiet for a while as I kept explaining to him that the only thing that matters is if he is happy with where he's at. I referenced The Alchemist because the main character has a goal to go to the middle of the desert and find this alchemist that can turn lead to gold. Everyone said he was crazy, along the way he got a job he enjoyed and made him comfortable, but he left it because it wasn't his goal.
A lot of people have similar stories as the person in the alchemist. People get stuck in their jobs, blink and realize they're 60 and are miserable. Fear is the thing that stops people from quitting and seeking out what they truly want. Maybe you're like him and don't know what it is you want, but you only get that by constantly trying new things and if you like it, then you have a better idea of what you want to do, if you don't then you are still closer because you can cross something else out. I really wish I was able to tell him the quote "Satisfaction is the end of desire" so it's good that he's not satisfied because life should always be about seeking what you desire and then maintaining it, which is a desire in and of itself (you desire to maintain what you desire). That's all my goal was when I was unemployed, I had lived in New York for 4 years at that point, it had been my goal since I was 4-years-old, now the desire was to maintain my living in New York. At no point should you ever be afraid to bitch, there is no job that is perfect for everyone. If you're not happy, seek out another position that will make you happy. If people tell you you're crazy, than politely nod but keep pursuing it. Never feel guilty because someone has it worse. Just because you don't have the worst story ever, doesn't mean you can't desire to make your life better. You live your life, nobody else, that's why you're the only person who matters in the question "Is where I'm at awesome?" I'm not a believer that everything happens for a reason. But I do think that every experience is a learning experience. I believe that everyone you speak to can help you discern truths. So, I repeat to you, never ever be afraid to bitch, everyone has that right, and I urge you to have the strength to go through the grind seeking it. I understand it's extremely hard and there is so much to fear about it, but at the end of the day, you will be able to look in the mirror and be content with the person you see. Is there any goal more worthy of seeking as that?
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